There's a Light (According to my Village Voice Horoscope)

Maybe I will soon be unstuck?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): As I contemplate your week ahead, I can't help but think of the Butthole Surfers' song "Pepper": "They were drinking from a fountain/that was pouring like an avalanche/coming down the mountain." Are you ready for much, much more of everything that interests and stimulates you, Sagittarius? Can you imagine what you'd have to do to expand your capacity for big emotions and provocative sensations? Of course not: No one can be fully prepared for an avalanche. But do the wildest best you can, and your lust for life will provide you with all the intuitions you need.

Stuck

For the last month or so I've spent the greater part of my evenings in something of a funk. My psyche is probably in that funk during the day while at work but not externally showing its disgust until I leave, walk to my car, drive home, and unwind.

Some descriptive adjectives for my mind lately include bored, unstimulated, needy, emotional, ambivalent.

I've looked around for people, things, projects that motivate, inspire and create some excitement...but if/when I find them, they come and go...or like me, are a bit up and down right now and not reliable. I'm emotionally needy and craving attention and affection but finding myself having to back off certain reactions because they are based solely on this bad state of mind. I've attempted to instill some structure in an otherwise unstructured environment, but it keeps coming undone.

In my moments of despair, I may fall apart for a bit, but my mentality isn't one of a martar. I won't die for the company, won't go down with the sinking ship. Even when I was a victim of bad circumstances, I didn't broadcast it and didn't let it be the reason for not moving forward. I look around myself now and see complacency, see victim mentality. I'm completely uncomfortable in it and impatient toward it. I swing between not caring and being angry.

Around me are little signs of a more creative and inspired Chrissie - my scrapbook, by little toy Double Decker bus, some information from merc, uk with articles all about the London mods of the 60s, some performing arts programs publicizing the 06/07 season...it's all had me raising an eyebrow, but I can't do much more. Not yet. I'm still stuck.

Goofing Around At Chris & Jonquil's House

Postmark

Remember days of pen pals and writing old fashioned letters? I am not certain what had me thinking of this the other day, but I found myself reminiscing days long gone where I'd write page after page of news and events to my Long Island friend Laura. We'd decorate the letters with stickers, enclose little poems, photos, send along postcards, and even swap books back and forth. Then when I went away to college, the notion took hold again. With many of us spread across the northeast corridor, one in the Midwest, another in California, our letters and care packages schlepped across states and into our tiny post office sized dorm mailboxes. Everyday a trip to mailbox was exciting...who knew what you'd get and from whom?

Far be it from me to turn my nose up at the wonders of technology. When I started college in 1996, it was all so new, this emailing business. The clients we use today, at least to my knowledge, were not mainstream. Telnet, Polaris? and Gopher were our new friends/worst enemies as we fumbled our way through the new programs, desperately trying to communicate with our friends far and away. I also believe this is when I first started hating the dreaded "Fw" because while "spam" wasn't part our daily vocabulary, it almost always meant some chain to which I was a necessary link and if I broke it by not passing it along to 10 people in the next 5 minutes I was sure to have horrible luck for the next 10 years.

But I have digressed. It's exploded in the last 10 years and I do appreciate being able to whip together a photo and send it on its merry way to Jocelyn in TX instead of her having to wait a week or two. Even this blog serves as instant gratification for sharing ideas, news, photos. Instantaneously.

But with the death of the letter also died anticipation, excitement, and patience. Registering at Macy's during the wedding planning also meant on any given day, I could arrive home and see a box waiting for me. I spent 2 months being treated to gifts gracing me with their presence every week. Just last week I ordered shoes from Amazon for my friend's wedding and I waited anxiously for 3 days until the box arrived on my front stoop. Not only is it great to get the package, but because the postal service knows better than to perfect its delivery times, it keeps us guessing - will it be here today? Tomorrow?

I think I will try to bring the lost art of letter writing back. There's something very personal and sweet when you see someone's printing or handwriting across a card or paper, their thoughts, stream of consciousness. I'll dress them up with some stickers, poems, photos...drag my ass to the post office for an envelope and postage and wish it well on its journey either across town or across a few states.