Trying to clear my head at the moment...just get in it, get out of it, and everything in between. Conferences, while often anticipated for the travel, the change of pace, and the promise of face time with my colleagues, does indeed bring a crash. I remember my first APAP and the crash that followed. It was like the day after Christmas. Many moons have passed since then but I still experience it. I was cranky last week, no doubt just trying to get caught up on sleep and tie up loose ends before the next trip. Midwest was terrific - easier, busier, great meetings, a great session, meaningful connections. I felt for a moment, brilliant. And PAE was...well, when I get out my own head and get perspective, even a better sense of space and time, it was decent. Especially given that I didn't know any southerners. I made a lot of new connections and that does matter in the long run.
It's hard to not compare the two conferences. Each has its own mission and values and personalities. Hard to not compare my experiences at one versus another. They were both decent in their own way. I long for consistency and pay off. I suppose it will eventually happen.
It's also hard (for me) to not always be thinking, what's next? What is the next goal to achieve? It's hard to be in the moment. Be content and appreciative and grateful of this time and this experience. That overachieving side of me is one of my greatest strengths but also a weakness since it can eat away at a sense of worth. It's easy to let myself be defined by a series of achievements and met goals. I'm remembering a TED talk about how it's important (and often enough at times) to just show up. To show up, bring our best, put the time in and do it. Not every day is magic or brilliant.
Not every conference or meeting or moment is awesome and most probably won't be.
Not every piece of art I create is stellar or needs to be stellar.
So accepting that and being OK with showing up and creating for the sake of creating...that's enough. And in the world of conferencing and artist representation, I need to find a way to be OK with the mundane. I suspect these two are related. If I can get back to some things that I've missed for some time, namely creating some art, I think I will find an inner peace that will allow me to feel like the hard and smart work of each day is enough, and will in time, allow for another moment of brilliance.
Showing posts with label Piccadilly Arts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Piccadilly Arts. Show all posts
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
Some people are just moody souls sometimes and the other night at the opening party my mentor was in a mood. I let it go and did my own thing. My last words to my roommate before nodding off to slumber were, "I hope he doesn't come to my session tomorrow."
The thing is some teeny part of me thought he probably considered it. But truthfully, he doesn't attend keynotes or sessions or any of that so I never expected him to show up. At 8:05, maybe 30 seconds after I started my presentation, he walked through the door. Amazement and panic hit me in the face. I couldn't stop, I had to keep going, but it tripped me up for a few minutes. Eventually I had to not think about him being in the room and my nervous thoughts that I was "on" and was I doing a good enough job? Was I measuring up? It's easier for me to talk for 90 minutes to a group of strangers versus to one person I know. And not just know but respect and admire and whose integrity and business ethic and smarts are what I strive for as well.
Way to make me nervous.
I never looked over his way the entire time. Somehow I got through it and it was near 9:30am and as I was wrapping up he offered some additional insights to our audience. It was over, I was done, I packed up and finally breathed and took in the fact that I just led my first ever professional development session at a regional. I did it. It was tough but I did it and it was rewarding.
I fired off a text message that was - I cannot believe you came. I couldn't even look at you. Way to make me nervous. To which he replied, Sorry. You were great. I wanted to hear it.
I spent the better part of that morning "on" in the booth and decompressing and digesting. I immediately felt like he set out to make me nervous...to crash the session if you will. But slowly, I realized that wasn't the case. Let's just say building confidence as an entrepreneur is tough, even for otherwise independent confident people. I'd been fighting to find myself - both old and new versions of me. I had been realizing since November just how much BS was in my head and how easy it is to get caught up in old patterns of thinking. Thinking that people are out to make me feel nervous, "on" and to be perfect all the time so as to impress and prove myself. Something, I don't know what, got a hold of me and shook me to my senses. It's enough to show up and do what we do. It was enough to show up, in Grand Rapids, be my great self, bring my knowledge, and be part of something bigger. And people come because they care - about me. Isn't that why I go? Even when I know the material? It's for moral support. Finally, I gave myself permission to accept that I was enough and I was worthy of that. That maybe I had shown the gorgeous genius that I am and continue to be.
I circled back with a very sincere thank you...thank you for coming. It was great to have you there. So many compliments on the session, on my knowledge and on "that guy at the end" who had really thoughtful insights. He was there for me. He had my back.
This conference was the final nail in that old thinking's coffin. I realize how much support I have. Real, genuine, I believe in you and have your back, support. It's not always spoken by our colleagues and mentors but it's there. I'm liberated and very blessed.
The thing is some teeny part of me thought he probably considered it. But truthfully, he doesn't attend keynotes or sessions or any of that so I never expected him to show up. At 8:05, maybe 30 seconds after I started my presentation, he walked through the door. Amazement and panic hit me in the face. I couldn't stop, I had to keep going, but it tripped me up for a few minutes. Eventually I had to not think about him being in the room and my nervous thoughts that I was "on" and was I doing a good enough job? Was I measuring up? It's easier for me to talk for 90 minutes to a group of strangers versus to one person I know. And not just know but respect and admire and whose integrity and business ethic and smarts are what I strive for as well.
Way to make me nervous.
I never looked over his way the entire time. Somehow I got through it and it was near 9:30am and as I was wrapping up he offered some additional insights to our audience. It was over, I was done, I packed up and finally breathed and took in the fact that I just led my first ever professional development session at a regional. I did it. It was tough but I did it and it was rewarding.
I fired off a text message that was - I cannot believe you came. I couldn't even look at you. Way to make me nervous. To which he replied, Sorry. You were great. I wanted to hear it.
I spent the better part of that morning "on" in the booth and decompressing and digesting. I immediately felt like he set out to make me nervous...to crash the session if you will. But slowly, I realized that wasn't the case. Let's just say building confidence as an entrepreneur is tough, even for otherwise independent confident people. I'd been fighting to find myself - both old and new versions of me. I had been realizing since November just how much BS was in my head and how easy it is to get caught up in old patterns of thinking. Thinking that people are out to make me feel nervous, "on" and to be perfect all the time so as to impress and prove myself. Something, I don't know what, got a hold of me and shook me to my senses. It's enough to show up and do what we do. It was enough to show up, in Grand Rapids, be my great self, bring my knowledge, and be part of something bigger. And people come because they care - about me. Isn't that why I go? Even when I know the material? It's for moral support. Finally, I gave myself permission to accept that I was enough and I was worthy of that. That maybe I had shown the gorgeous genius that I am and continue to be.
I circled back with a very sincere thank you...thank you for coming. It was great to have you there. So many compliments on the session, on my knowledge and on "that guy at the end" who had really thoughtful insights. He was there for me. He had my back.
This conference was the final nail in that old thinking's coffin. I realize how much support I have. Real, genuine, I believe in you and have your back, support. It's not always spoken by our colleagues and mentors but it's there. I'm liberated and very blessed.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Gaggle of Chicks, a Plop of an Apple -- A New York City Tale
This is a repost from my Piccadilly Arts blog originally posted on May 17. I've added a few more pictures.
Last week my son and packed our duds and made for the Big Apple. A mommy and son adventure complete with trains, performances, playground time, ice cream treats and more. The reason for our jaunt up NJ Transit's Northeast Regional line was to see both Treehouse Shakers' Hatched and Windmill Theatre's Plop. Treehouse Shakers performed their new piece for the littlest of audience members at Ailey Studios and Windmill Theatre performed at The New Victory Theater. But why stop with theatre? We are in NYC! So I scored us a sweet deal on boutique hotel (thanks, BookIt) in Midtown East and made sure we had down time for cartoons and playing at Madison Square Park.
Mitch colors before the performance at The New Victory
I admit, one of my favorite parts about my job is that at least for a few more years at least, I can share my TYA knowledge and connections with my almost four year old. As my mom likes to say, he's a really cultured kid. He was a cultured baby too. He's been to IPAY and a few conferences and retreats and mingled with artists since he was 3 months old. He's seen several theater pieces at the New Vic studios, seen Zany Umbrella Circus and Treehouse Shakers twice now. We see what we can, what's most appropriate for him, and we schlep far and wide. It's especially great now that he's SO verbal to hear his recounting of the experiences.
"I saw a farm show, Mommy! And the chick went 'cheep cheep, cheep, cheep.' And I saw a bird, a cow and a lambie!"
The above photos I took after the performance. Kids and their families sit front and center and have an opportunity to truly experience life on an American farm. It's told through the eyes of a baby chick that has just hatched and we watch her learn to walk, take in her surroundings from roosters, cows, lambs, and birds. Sprinkled throughout the narrative area chances for the children to pet, feed, and hold baby animals. The puppetry and scenery are just exquisite. Perhaps one of my favorite elements of the performance is the live music. I never would have visualized this piece with live music and yet it gave it a whole other layer of stimulation and authenticity. I was truly touched at how beautiful this show was and how utterly American it felt to me. I see loads of international performances for this audience that are phenomenal as well but Treehouse Shakers captured what it means to be an American in this piece via something as authentic as a farm, and more importantly, a child's first visit to a farm.
These pictures were taken after Plop. Plop is based on the picture book The Terrible Plop by Ursula Dubosarsky and the Australian Windmill Theatre produced and performed this adorable piece for preschoolers. The "plop" is the sound of apples falling from the sky (a fabulous contraption) into a bucket of water and making a rather loud plopping sound, scaring away two little rabbits. Filled with terrific audio and engaging visuals, this blends fairy tale with fun. My son spent about ten minutes after the show playing with all the musical instruments.
A few video snippets to follow of each show but for now suffice it to say, both were audience favorites and make anyone working in our Theater for Young Audiences field proud -- this is exactly the sort of work that should be noticed, curated, funded, and supported. It's thoughtful, meaningful, interactive and fun. Kudos to both companies.
Here are a few more from the trip.
Last week my son and packed our duds and made for the Big Apple. A mommy and son adventure complete with trains, performances, playground time, ice cream treats and more. The reason for our jaunt up NJ Transit's Northeast Regional line was to see both Treehouse Shakers' Hatched and Windmill Theatre's Plop. Treehouse Shakers performed their new piece for the littlest of audience members at Ailey Studios and Windmill Theatre performed at The New Victory Theater. But why stop with theatre? We are in NYC! So I scored us a sweet deal on boutique hotel (thanks, BookIt) in Midtown East and made sure we had down time for cartoons and playing at Madison Square Park.
Mitch colors before the performance at The New Victory
I admit, one of my favorite parts about my job is that at least for a few more years at least, I can share my TYA knowledge and connections with my almost four year old. As my mom likes to say, he's a really cultured kid. He was a cultured baby too. He's been to IPAY and a few conferences and retreats and mingled with artists since he was 3 months old. He's seen several theater pieces at the New Vic studios, seen Zany Umbrella Circus and Treehouse Shakers twice now. We see what we can, what's most appropriate for him, and we schlep far and wide. It's especially great now that he's SO verbal to hear his recounting of the experiences.
The above photos I took after the performance. Kids and their families sit front and center and have an opportunity to truly experience life on an American farm. It's told through the eyes of a baby chick that has just hatched and we watch her learn to walk, take in her surroundings from roosters, cows, lambs, and birds. Sprinkled throughout the narrative area chances for the children to pet, feed, and hold baby animals. The puppetry and scenery are just exquisite. Perhaps one of my favorite elements of the performance is the live music. I never would have visualized this piece with live music and yet it gave it a whole other layer of stimulation and authenticity. I was truly touched at how beautiful this show was and how utterly American it felt to me. I see loads of international performances for this audience that are phenomenal as well but Treehouse Shakers captured what it means to be an American in this piece via something as authentic as a farm, and more importantly, a child's first visit to a farm.
These pictures were taken after Plop. Plop is based on the picture book The Terrible Plop by Ursula Dubosarsky and the Australian Windmill Theatre produced and performed this adorable piece for preschoolers. The "plop" is the sound of apples falling from the sky (a fabulous contraption) into a bucket of water and making a rather loud plopping sound, scaring away two little rabbits. Filled with terrific audio and engaging visuals, this blends fairy tale with fun. My son spent about ten minutes after the show playing with all the musical instruments.
A few video snippets to follow of each show but for now suffice it to say, both were audience favorites and make anyone working in our Theater for Young Audiences field proud -- this is exactly the sort of work that should be noticed, curated, funded, and supported. It's thoughtful, meaningful, interactive and fun. Kudos to both companies.
Here are a few more from the trip.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Manifesto
I was on the phone this afternoon with a potential artist roster addition, talking about where things are, where I want them to be with the business. I can't remember the context exactly now, nor my exact words but I about a nano second after I said it, I heard it. I heard the words that came out of my mouth.
Over the last 3-7 months folks have congratulated me on my new business endeavors, made comparisons (and contrasts) between me and other colleagues, and many have mentored me and helped me work through a lot of business issues and insecurities. So many have had to remind me not to compare myself to others. And then followed it up with, "Is that what you want? What is that you want?" I didn't know.
But maybe I did. Maybe all that "comparison" was just my inner self really truly wanting and aspiring to that. Yes, there is no way to be where others are right now - that is/was certainly a lesson to learn. Everyone moves at their own pace and sets their own goals...moreover, my mentors have 15+ years on me. I physically cannot be there. But what about the rest? Have I really just been squashing what I want because I was looking at it through the wrong lens? Have I been afraid to admit or acknowledge it? Is it the sort of thing that everyone else sees (and you know deep down) but can't face yet?
Maybe.
But today it just came out. Like some gate opened and out poured the water of hope and aspiration. Whatever I was holding back, afraid to admit either because I was afraid of wanting too much or afraid my dream would look too similar, whatever had me pondering for so long and/or second guessing myself was overrun today by my subconscious.
I want an office. A real office. I don't want to work out of my house anymore. I want space. And frankly, to me, it feels more legit. Sorry, my home address has never boded well for a business address. "2nd floor" or "Suite 3" is more my style, coupled with some charm in the decor. It's been two years. I'm over it.
I want a staff. Maybe not a staff of 5 or 7 or 10. But about 3-4 people. Someone else in sales, someone to handle contracts and servicing, someone to handle marketing and social media with the presenter, and someone to handle AIE and crafting curriculum guides.
I want a roster of about 15 artists. I was cautious at first. I thought 5 sounded manageable because I wasn't really living it. Now I'm living it and it's not so bad. Moreover, having the right marketing mix can work in one's favor. The key is to grow organically and in due time.
I want a salary. I want a salary because I'm an independent soul at heart. I can go back to not feeling guilty over buying hand crafted jewelry...I can put my kid in private school...I can return to Greece in two years. Yes, I love to travel. A lot. Day trips, weekend trips, conferences, vacations, whatever. I'm a creature of change. I have no doubt I was a nomad in a previous life. I don't feel guilty about it...in fact, I lose a bit of myself when I can't travel and I'm a miserable person because of it. People don't get it but screw it, it's who I am.
I'm my own person, that is for sure. Maybe I look like a few of my mentors all rolled into one. Maybe I do look strangely similar to the places I've been, the people I've worked for. We are what we live. I don't care anymore. On the surface the ambition might look the same, and maybe deep down, it is similar, but we are all our own selves and we bring that sense of self to what we do. That's what differentiates us.
So yes, that is what I want. An office, a staff, a slightly bigger, more evolved roster, a salary and the ability to travel. To Greece. I did more than say it in conversation. I wrote it down. And now it's mine.
Over the last 3-7 months folks have congratulated me on my new business endeavors, made comparisons (and contrasts) between me and other colleagues, and many have mentored me and helped me work through a lot of business issues and insecurities. So many have had to remind me not to compare myself to others. And then followed it up with, "Is that what you want? What is that you want?" I didn't know.
But maybe I did. Maybe all that "comparison" was just my inner self really truly wanting and aspiring to that. Yes, there is no way to be where others are right now - that is/was certainly a lesson to learn. Everyone moves at their own pace and sets their own goals...moreover, my mentors have 15+ years on me. I physically cannot be there. But what about the rest? Have I really just been squashing what I want because I was looking at it through the wrong lens? Have I been afraid to admit or acknowledge it? Is it the sort of thing that everyone else sees (and you know deep down) but can't face yet?
Maybe.
But today it just came out. Like some gate opened and out poured the water of hope and aspiration. Whatever I was holding back, afraid to admit either because I was afraid of wanting too much or afraid my dream would look too similar, whatever had me pondering for so long and/or second guessing myself was overrun today by my subconscious.
I want an office. A real office. I don't want to work out of my house anymore. I want space. And frankly, to me, it feels more legit. Sorry, my home address has never boded well for a business address. "2nd floor" or "Suite 3" is more my style, coupled with some charm in the decor. It's been two years. I'm over it.
I want a staff. Maybe not a staff of 5 or 7 or 10. But about 3-4 people. Someone else in sales, someone to handle contracts and servicing, someone to handle marketing and social media with the presenter, and someone to handle AIE and crafting curriculum guides.
I want a roster of about 15 artists. I was cautious at first. I thought 5 sounded manageable because I wasn't really living it. Now I'm living it and it's not so bad. Moreover, having the right marketing mix can work in one's favor. The key is to grow organically and in due time.
I want a salary. I want a salary because I'm an independent soul at heart. I can go back to not feeling guilty over buying hand crafted jewelry...I can put my kid in private school...I can return to Greece in two years. Yes, I love to travel. A lot. Day trips, weekend trips, conferences, vacations, whatever. I'm a creature of change. I have no doubt I was a nomad in a previous life. I don't feel guilty about it...in fact, I lose a bit of myself when I can't travel and I'm a miserable person because of it. People don't get it but screw it, it's who I am.
I'm my own person, that is for sure. Maybe I look like a few of my mentors all rolled into one. Maybe I do look strangely similar to the places I've been, the people I've worked for. We are what we live. I don't care anymore. On the surface the ambition might look the same, and maybe deep down, it is similar, but we are all our own selves and we bring that sense of self to what we do. That's what differentiates us.
So yes, that is what I want. An office, a staff, a slightly bigger, more evolved roster, a salary and the ability to travel. To Greece. I did more than say it in conversation. I wrote it down. And now it's mine.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
You'll be fine
Just found myself saying to my cousin the very words I heard the other day..."You know more about yourself at 24/25 than I did...you will be fine...try not to be so hard on yourself." Because I knew how I was then. I saw myself in her, in that moment. Young and overwhelmed.
So for all the "you're young" comments I hear, they must have heard them too...for all the stress I put on myself and unloaded, they were there too. More than there...they see themselves in me.
I've taken some of those comments as condescending, a little mockery, like they don't take me seriously, like I'm always a baby despite all my efforts to look otherwise. But maybe that's not really it...
And maybe the only words to say are those because really, I wouldn't have been able to handle, to live, anything more than that at 24/25. Or now at 34. Even now, I think of what I might have told myself then and if it could have mattered. All I come up with is exactly what was said to me. I would not have believed or listened to anything else because I had to figure stuff out on my own.
It's an amazing moment realizing someone sees him/herself in you.
"You will be fine."
So for all the "you're young" comments I hear, they must have heard them too...for all the stress I put on myself and unloaded, they were there too. More than there...they see themselves in me.
I've taken some of those comments as condescending, a little mockery, like they don't take me seriously, like I'm always a baby despite all my efforts to look otherwise. But maybe that's not really it...
And maybe the only words to say are those because really, I wouldn't have been able to handle, to live, anything more than that at 24/25. Or now at 34. Even now, I think of what I might have told myself then and if it could have mattered. All I come up with is exactly what was said to me. I would not have believed or listened to anything else because I had to figure stuff out on my own.
It's an amazing moment realizing someone sees him/herself in you.
"You will be fine."
Friday, February 03, 2012
Some IPAY Inspiration
I was MIA most of January between both APAP and IPAY - the first being the industry's huge national conference and the second being my niche conference for youth programming.
IPAY this year was in gorgeous sunny hip Austin, TX. Seriously, who knew Austin was TX? It's like a red headed stepchild (or maybe blue headed?) in the otherwise red state. So fun, so hip, full of young and old alike but you totally picked up an artsy vibe immediately. The city's slogan is "Keep Austin Weird." Well, that was enough for me!
The weather for January was in the 50s (lows) through the mid-70s (highs) and I walked for miles schlepping from the hotel to the theaters to the funky shops, to just exploring the walking trails along the river. I wish I could have seen and explored more but I'm happy to have seen the little bit of U of TX at Austin, the see south Congress St and take it in like a local, and dine out at authentic BBQ and Tex Mex joints.
Below are some pics I took from the first "showcase I saw" -- more like an exhibition. Architects of Air out of the UK create these amazing sculptures that you walk through. This was my favorite, probably because I couldn't stop photographing every square foot of it. It was an abstract artist's dream.
IPAY this year was in gorgeous sunny hip Austin, TX. Seriously, who knew Austin was TX? It's like a red headed stepchild (or maybe blue headed?) in the otherwise red state. So fun, so hip, full of young and old alike but you totally picked up an artsy vibe immediately. The city's slogan is "Keep Austin Weird." Well, that was enough for me!
The weather for January was in the 50s (lows) through the mid-70s (highs) and I walked for miles schlepping from the hotel to the theaters to the funky shops, to just exploring the walking trails along the river. I wish I could have seen and explored more but I'm happy to have seen the little bit of U of TX at Austin, the see south Congress St and take it in like a local, and dine out at authentic BBQ and Tex Mex joints.
Below are some pics I took from the first "showcase I saw" -- more like an exhibition. Architects of Air out of the UK create these amazing sculptures that you walk through. This was my favorite, probably because I couldn't stop photographing every square foot of it. It was an abstract artist's dream.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Real and Imaginary
I drove out to State College with my colleague yesterday and I think in a span of 12 hours he went from being my ex-boss to a colleague (at least in my mind) and with it a few realizations and confidence.
When started my agency, I was nervous but excited. I went to a few first conferences with excitement, more to show folks "This is where I am now" and those folks were interested, curious, and also excited. Fast forward 18 months and there have been some ups, downs and plenty of lessons. Within those 18 months I also have fought some inner demons, particularly related to confidence. It's easy in the beginning - to ride those coat tales of being a freshman and enjoy the newness. It's tougher when it's my second or third time around and while the agency is still young, things look and feel different now. A sophomore year tale I suppose - older and wiser but still young. These past 6-9 months have been filled with confidence and vulnerability. Depending where I am on that spectrum, something can be very real or very imagined.
I realized yesterday - when I was able to look beyond my own expectations and needs and "silent contracts" - that the sadness I felt post Baton Rouge was certainly real and justified but that I only looking at one side of very complex shape. I only saw reactive behavior and avoidance and I was not in place to want that nor know why it was the case and I interpreted it as unsupported. I let it shake my confidence a bit in a super new situation and naturally, let my imagination get the best of me.
Through a host of conversations yesterday I saw that while it was reactive, it was based completely on how everything I am going through is a mirror image of what my colleague went through, following almost the same timeline.
I saw a week ago through some little gestures that this person while not the most socially graceful was interested and supportive. The terms of my silent contract had to be struck - it was unfair because silent contracts mean that only I know what I want and need and the other person has no idea and therefore no opportunity to try. Moreover, my terms were unrealistic since they were based on interpretations. I saw a little gesture and my conscious thought, he's trying. I have to re-evaluate and remember that just because someone doesn't do or say what I want doesn't mean they aren't doing everything they are capable of doing...especially people who don't have a ton of social skills to begin with.
So my New Year's resolution is as my colleague Jenny says, not to feed that monster any more. I'm calling it the sophomore monster - the one that because of where she is on the learning curve, can play both vulnerable and confident cards rather well but it yields both real and imagined (immature, silly, dogmatic) thoughts.
I'm still not certain if I am competition to this person but I'm letting it go. There are too many relationships going on here to try to sort out in a clear fashion - mentor, competitor, friend. I'm going to respect the competition line and not going to run to him with every victory or mentor like question in the future and/or assume he wants to offer up info but I'm over thinking he doesn't care. I'm over calling him my ex-boss. We are colleagues. It took me 18 months to be comfortable and confident enough in myself to use that term.
When started my agency, I was nervous but excited. I went to a few first conferences with excitement, more to show folks "This is where I am now" and those folks were interested, curious, and also excited. Fast forward 18 months and there have been some ups, downs and plenty of lessons. Within those 18 months I also have fought some inner demons, particularly related to confidence. It's easy in the beginning - to ride those coat tales of being a freshman and enjoy the newness. It's tougher when it's my second or third time around and while the agency is still young, things look and feel different now. A sophomore year tale I suppose - older and wiser but still young. These past 6-9 months have been filled with confidence and vulnerability. Depending where I am on that spectrum, something can be very real or very imagined.
I realized yesterday - when I was able to look beyond my own expectations and needs and "silent contracts" - that the sadness I felt post Baton Rouge was certainly real and justified but that I only looking at one side of very complex shape. I only saw reactive behavior and avoidance and I was not in place to want that nor know why it was the case and I interpreted it as unsupported. I let it shake my confidence a bit in a super new situation and naturally, let my imagination get the best of me.
Through a host of conversations yesterday I saw that while it was reactive, it was based completely on how everything I am going through is a mirror image of what my colleague went through, following almost the same timeline.
I saw a week ago through some little gestures that this person while not the most socially graceful was interested and supportive. The terms of my silent contract had to be struck - it was unfair because silent contracts mean that only I know what I want and need and the other person has no idea and therefore no opportunity to try. Moreover, my terms were unrealistic since they were based on interpretations. I saw a little gesture and my conscious thought, he's trying. I have to re-evaluate and remember that just because someone doesn't do or say what I want doesn't mean they aren't doing everything they are capable of doing...especially people who don't have a ton of social skills to begin with.
So my New Year's resolution is as my colleague Jenny says, not to feed that monster any more. I'm calling it the sophomore monster - the one that because of where she is on the learning curve, can play both vulnerable and confident cards rather well but it yields both real and imagined (immature, silly, dogmatic) thoughts.
I'm still not certain if I am competition to this person but I'm letting it go. There are too many relationships going on here to try to sort out in a clear fashion - mentor, competitor, friend. I'm going to respect the competition line and not going to run to him with every victory or mentor like question in the future and/or assume he wants to offer up info but I'm over thinking he doesn't care. I'm over calling him my ex-boss. We are colleagues. It took me 18 months to be comfortable and confident enough in myself to use that term.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Chicago
Just like it's nickname, The Windy City, my recent trip to Chicago was a whirlwind of an adventure. I was only there overnight but I packed a hell of a lot into about 24 hours. The reason for the trip was to see Piccadilly roster artist The VonOrthal Puppets. The company was commissioned by Chicago's notorious Joffrey Ballet to create a life size puppet of Don Quixote's horse for their fall production. The company worked all summer on the horse and it debuted along with amazing ballet dancers and the Chicago Symphony last week to terrific reviews. VOP invited me out to see the performance and since I hadn't been to Chicago in nearly ten years, I jumped at the chance.
I have to first thank my colleague and friend Kristi who introduced me to AirBNB. Don't know of this gem? It's a great website to find hostels, room shares, room rents, etc. for pennies. A typical Chicago hotel room is well over $100/night. Even with Hotels.com, Hotwire, and TripAdvisor this fare stalker couldn't find anything to fit my budget, especially for one night. Enter AirBNB and I found a lovely room along the West Loop in the Fulton River District - minutes from everything - for $75.
I had lunch with a colleague from the Chicago Humanities Festival at a fabulous pub, appropriately titled English. From the outside, it almost looks like a whole in the wall that's been around since the 70s. Inside, it's a swanky pub with yummy food.
I had a little time to wander around but it was a cold and rainy day so I didn't get to really take in Grant Park or Michigan Ave. I also had lofty goals to see the Art Institute and slink around some vintage and antique stores on the west side but honestly, I was so damn cold that my mission was to find a sweater and then hole up in a coffee shop somewhere. I was definitely under prepared for 45 degree weather.
One place that stole my heart was the no kill animal shelter I passed walking to the pub. Right on the street with huge glass windows was a large shelter, Anti Cruelty, home to so many cats and dogs. I walked around the street perimeter and stared at all those precious doggies...so many who looked at me like, "Can I come home with you?" They all wore these sweet bandanas around their necks and many had personalized blankets and toys in their crates. I was really moved. So much so that I went to sleep that night worried about those animals - sleeping in there, cars and trucks and noises whizzing past them, lights that play tricks on them, scared and lonely when they should have a warm home and a bed to sleep in, with a loving family. Even from visiting this site now, it's clear this is one no kill shelter that does great work. Those precious dogs motivated me to find a local shelter and offer some service.
That evening I enjoyed delicious dinner with my colleague Cynthia VonOrthal and then my first ever ballet. I know - me. First ballet? Yes, it's true. I had a chance to see the Nutcracker at age 8 when I was still on Long Island but it was scheduled for mid-December -- after I would move back to the Philadelphia region. It's like it was never meant to be. I would never see the Nutcracker and it would be 25 more years before a saw any ballet. But as I learned from several colleagues, I didn't just see any ballet...I saw the Joffrey. It's easily one of the top 3 ballets in the nation. The company performed Don Quixote and for nearly 2 hours I was on the edge of my seat spellbound. It wasn't just the awesomeness of the principal dancers. It was the entire production, soup to nuts - the score, the story, the presentation/delivery, the life size horse puppet created by the VonOrthal Puppets, and the experience of having killer seats in a gorgeous old theater.
I hadn't been to Chicago in nearly 10 years. My trip back was incredible and followed by a mini tour of Lake Side Drive, fabulous views of the lake, more delicious food, and a tour of the VonOrthal Puppets' studio. I was treated like a queen and I'm forever grateful for this opportunity and the hospitality of my colleagues.
I have to first thank my colleague and friend Kristi who introduced me to AirBNB. Don't know of this gem? It's a great website to find hostels, room shares, room rents, etc. for pennies. A typical Chicago hotel room is well over $100/night. Even with Hotels.com, Hotwire, and TripAdvisor this fare stalker couldn't find anything to fit my budget, especially for one night. Enter AirBNB and I found a lovely room along the West Loop in the Fulton River District - minutes from everything - for $75.
I had lunch with a colleague from the Chicago Humanities Festival at a fabulous pub, appropriately titled English. From the outside, it almost looks like a whole in the wall that's been around since the 70s. Inside, it's a swanky pub with yummy food.
I had a little time to wander around but it was a cold and rainy day so I didn't get to really take in Grant Park or Michigan Ave. I also had lofty goals to see the Art Institute and slink around some vintage and antique stores on the west side but honestly, I was so damn cold that my mission was to find a sweater and then hole up in a coffee shop somewhere. I was definitely under prepared for 45 degree weather.
One place that stole my heart was the no kill animal shelter I passed walking to the pub. Right on the street with huge glass windows was a large shelter, Anti Cruelty, home to so many cats and dogs. I walked around the street perimeter and stared at all those precious doggies...so many who looked at me like, "Can I come home with you?" They all wore these sweet bandanas around their necks and many had personalized blankets and toys in their crates. I was really moved. So much so that I went to sleep that night worried about those animals - sleeping in there, cars and trucks and noises whizzing past them, lights that play tricks on them, scared and lonely when they should have a warm home and a bed to sleep in, with a loving family. Even from visiting this site now, it's clear this is one no kill shelter that does great work. Those precious dogs motivated me to find a local shelter and offer some service.
That evening I enjoyed delicious dinner with my colleague Cynthia VonOrthal and then my first ever ballet. I know - me. First ballet? Yes, it's true. I had a chance to see the Nutcracker at age 8 when I was still on Long Island but it was scheduled for mid-December -- after I would move back to the Philadelphia region. It's like it was never meant to be. I would never see the Nutcracker and it would be 25 more years before a saw any ballet. But as I learned from several colleagues, I didn't just see any ballet...I saw the Joffrey. It's easily one of the top 3 ballets in the nation. The company performed Don Quixote and for nearly 2 hours I was on the edge of my seat spellbound. It wasn't just the awesomeness of the principal dancers. It was the entire production, soup to nuts - the score, the story, the presentation/delivery, the life size horse puppet created by the VonOrthal Puppets, and the experience of having killer seats in a gorgeous old theater.
I hadn't been to Chicago in nearly 10 years. My trip back was incredible and followed by a mini tour of Lake Side Drive, fabulous views of the lake, more delicious food, and a tour of the VonOrthal Puppets' studio. I was treated like a queen and I'm forever grateful for this opportunity and the hospitality of my colleagues.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Next
So this past week at PAE was the soft announcement to our industry colleagues that Betsy and I would be merging and then Piccadilly would be taking over her roster in anticipation of her retirement next summer. What a response. A few close friends and mentors heard last Tuesday. Everyone has been really excited for us and that makes me happy.
A very sweet guy and friend, Larry of SMG, now The Roots Agency, congratulated me in the exhibit hall Saturday morning and then came up to me at the closing party to tell.me again how great the news is and how proud of me he is. Then, in front of maybe five of our close colleagues, tells me, "You are going to be the next Marc Baylin."
I know my face turned a million shades of red and I am almost certain my amaretto sour lost its balance for a few seconds.
I had NO idea how to handle that. Wow. I mean it was no doubt a compliment. And what Larry was referring to of course the instant roster and connections one assumes when he buys out another agency, which is what Marc did years back, just before he hired me. It rounded out his existing roster and took things to another level. And while I am not as established as he was when he had this very opportunity, it definitely accomplishes the same thing. I am able to move forward at a greater speed.
There have been several comparisons in the past week and it's a weird place to be in mentally. I try not to even go there but one can't help but notice certain similarities in career paths as others. I just hope that once the dust settles that people do see me - my personality and my drive. I'm such an individual and I'm doing this in a new era. I'm one of the youngest people in my industry, and certainly one of the youngest managers and business owners. I do admire my colleagues and I glean a lot of business lessons from them...but I also follow the beat of my own drummer.
A very sweet guy and friend, Larry of SMG, now The Roots Agency, congratulated me in the exhibit hall Saturday morning and then came up to me at the closing party to tell.me again how great the news is and how proud of me he is. Then, in front of maybe five of our close colleagues, tells me, "You are going to be the next Marc Baylin."
I know my face turned a million shades of red and I am almost certain my amaretto sour lost its balance for a few seconds.
I had NO idea how to handle that. Wow. I mean it was no doubt a compliment. And what Larry was referring to of course the instant roster and connections one assumes when he buys out another agency, which is what Marc did years back, just before he hired me. It rounded out his existing roster and took things to another level. And while I am not as established as he was when he had this very opportunity, it definitely accomplishes the same thing. I am able to move forward at a greater speed.
There have been several comparisons in the past week and it's a weird place to be in mentally. I try not to even go there but one can't help but notice certain similarities in career paths as others. I just hope that once the dust settles that people do see me - my personality and my drive. I'm such an individual and I'm doing this in a new era. I'm one of the youngest people in my industry, and certainly one of the youngest managers and business owners. I do admire my colleagues and I glean a lot of business lessons from them...but I also follow the beat of my own drummer.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Huck Finn Memories
I am sitting on a bench along side the Mississippi River. A gorgeous river walk here...a railroad that I had to.cut across... tug boat chugs by...I remember reading Huck Finn. I feel like I.am in the.novel. Where is my raft? Because I sure want to lay back.on it, look up at the sky and float away down river.
I am creeped out by the bugs and the little field mouse that scampered past. But it is a lovely evening in.Baton Rouge.
I am pmsed and moody, sensitive, and feeling like being alone. The conference is meh. My few appointments have showed and they have been good conversations so far. But there is so much looming...exciting but scary stuff. Where are people when I need them? When I drop the wall and say, "Its scary." Where are they? I have good mentors...when I ask or chase them down. I wish just once someone chased me down and really checked in.
I am creeped out by the bugs and the little field mouse that scampered past. But it is a lovely evening in.Baton Rouge.
I am pmsed and moody, sensitive, and feeling like being alone. The conference is meh. My few appointments have showed and they have been good conversations so far. But there is so much looming...exciting but scary stuff. Where are people when I need them? When I drop the wall and say, "Its scary." Where are they? I have good mentors...when I ask or chase them down. I wish just once someone chased me down and really checked in.
Monday, August 15, 2011
I Get It
Years ago when I worked at the D-town agency I would give my boss a ton of grief this time of year: conference season. He was an overwound toy most days and this time of year just meant his batteries were on overload and burning out a few times a day. The stress level was high to say the least. I was constantly cracking jokes or insisting he go get a cup of coffee and take a walk.
I'm not a terribly stressful person and when I am in that place I can typically manage it well. But now that Piccadilly is going full force into the conference season this fall, I get it. I now know how he felt and every single thing that goes though one's head - the panic, the 40 million things to do, and why won't people just leave me well enough alone to do it?!
I was such a jerk.
I'm not a terribly stressful person and when I am in that place I can typically manage it well. But now that Piccadilly is going full force into the conference season this fall, I get it. I now know how he felt and every single thing that goes though one's head - the panic, the 40 million things to do, and why won't people just leave me well enough alone to do it?!
I was such a jerk.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
End Caps
I had one of those "feels like old times" moments the other night. Vince and I schlepped over to Temple for the Hot 8 Brass Band performance. I had seen the band showcase a few years ago but I go further back than that. When I first started Piccadilly Arts I was still doing a little design work and after a few months of ups and downs, I remember Vince asking me, "Why hasn't Marc hired you for anything." To which I responded, "I don't know...he knows where I am and what I'm capable of." Naturally, two days later, he emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in designing the herald of a new artist on his roster - The Hot 8 Brass Band.
That poster has legs because it was hanging up in the lobby of the Baptist Temple.
There was a good amount of time post Baylin when I felt weird being on the outside. Weird not working there or being there, Weird being a consultant, weird needing and asking for help, mentoring, knowledge, weird on the rare occasions I'd see Philadanco or another roster artist in performance and run into people. I mean, I was long gone and it was a hard choice to make and accept and despite the very long time it took me to move past it all, I was careful to not impose or linger. I was in a very immature and insecure place in my life in 2005 so I learned how to build some walls and protect myself during the aftermath. I had to stand by my decision if that makes sense. Act like I had totally moved on, didn't need anything, and was totally fine.
I suppose after I was laid off from PennPAT in December 2009, those walls finally came down. Part of it was the nature of the beast: Being laid off sucks and it immediately places you in a state of vulnerability. It could also be that despite his faults he is still one of a handful of people that has my back - a resource/mentor, a recommendation, someone that can magically make certain things happen.
So when we cap off a full row of colleagues at the concert the other night, I no longer feel weird. I feel grateful that I didn't burn the bridge because of my own insecurities and pride...confident in myself and my knowledge and that I'm where I'm supposed to be...and happy that I do have support. I guess it's like an evolved "feels like old times" mentality.
That poster has legs because it was hanging up in the lobby of the Baptist Temple.
There was a good amount of time post Baylin when I felt weird being on the outside. Weird not working there or being there, Weird being a consultant, weird needing and asking for help, mentoring, knowledge, weird on the rare occasions I'd see Philadanco or another roster artist in performance and run into people. I mean, I was long gone and it was a hard choice to make and accept and despite the very long time it took me to move past it all, I was careful to not impose or linger. I was in a very immature and insecure place in my life in 2005 so I learned how to build some walls and protect myself during the aftermath. I had to stand by my decision if that makes sense. Act like I had totally moved on, didn't need anything, and was totally fine.
I suppose after I was laid off from PennPAT in December 2009, those walls finally came down. Part of it was the nature of the beast: Being laid off sucks and it immediately places you in a state of vulnerability. It could also be that despite his faults he is still one of a handful of people that has my back - a resource/mentor, a recommendation, someone that can magically make certain things happen.
So when we cap off a full row of colleagues at the concert the other night, I no longer feel weird. I feel grateful that I didn't burn the bridge because of my own insecurities and pride...confident in myself and my knowledge and that I'm where I'm supposed to be...and happy that I do have support. I guess it's like an evolved "feels like old times" mentality.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My Brand Vision
I've had a ton of calls and emails...many I've initiated, some from my connections. Everyone wants to talk. Initially, this excited me. In a matter of six weeks though I'm a little burnt out from talking...more burnt out from the realization that I have my own vision, my own brand (whether I knew it or not) and bottom line - there aren't that many people, places, or things (thus far) that are truly in line with who I am and what I want this company to be.
I'm doing an exercise right now that's helping me clarify via messaging what my values are, what my mission is, how that translates into my brand vision and ultimately, the markets I'll serve and how I'll go about doing so. It's the back end of my marketing plan. It's a PAIN IN THE ASS. But I love it.
As annoyed as I am, I'm also happy that I'm getting clarity. You realize what you want by knowing what you don't want. I have to turn down a lot of offers (or potential offers) - some I've even thought long and hard on - for the sake of maintaining who I am and not diluting my brand and wasting time and resources.
I have come back to the following values: Experience, Sustainability, Social Change & Community. I want to work with people and organizations that are just as passionate about these values as I am. I'm not sure if there's a crazy amount of money to be made here...most small or independently owned businesses tend to do a ton themselves because they can't afford consulting services (I'm also thinking back to my days at American Pie). I need to get past the concept that that small business = the indie craft shop. They are only one part of the pie. There are still other meaningful industries out there doing great work.
I'm doing an exercise right now that's helping me clarify via messaging what my values are, what my mission is, how that translates into my brand vision and ultimately, the markets I'll serve and how I'll go about doing so. It's the back end of my marketing plan. It's a PAIN IN THE ASS. But I love it.
As annoyed as I am, I'm also happy that I'm getting clarity. You realize what you want by knowing what you don't want. I have to turn down a lot of offers (or potential offers) - some I've even thought long and hard on - for the sake of maintaining who I am and not diluting my brand and wasting time and resources.
I have come back to the following values: Experience, Sustainability, Social Change & Community. I want to work with people and organizations that are just as passionate about these values as I am. I'm not sure if there's a crazy amount of money to be made here...most small or independently owned businesses tend to do a ton themselves because they can't afford consulting services (I'm also thinking back to my days at American Pie). I need to get past the concept that that small business = the indie craft shop. They are only one part of the pie. There are still other meaningful industries out there doing great work.
Friday, January 29, 2010
The First Day
Yesterday was my last day at PennPAT, the organization where I had worked for over two years. Due to budget cuts and a restructuring of the program, many marketing initiatives have been suspended and there wasn't a need for a Program Associate. So after two terrific years of being a face of the organization, meeting inspiring artists and programming folks, I packed my duds and headed home.
I've been through several lay offs in my ten year career and I'm grateful for the time I was given at PennPAT - time to let the constituency know, time to plan, time to think, time to let it digest. Usually the "first day" of the rest of my life - the day after it takes effect - is filled with shock. But here I am, at home, cleaning my house, confident that good projects will soon be knocking.
I'm reminded of a poem my high school senior lit class read on our last day of class - I cannot recall the name of it but it started with, "This is the first day of the rest of your life..."
I'm an adaptable person and I'm excited for the good change on the horizon.
I've been through several lay offs in my ten year career and I'm grateful for the time I was given at PennPAT - time to let the constituency know, time to plan, time to think, time to let it digest. Usually the "first day" of the rest of my life - the day after it takes effect - is filled with shock. But here I am, at home, cleaning my house, confident that good projects will soon be knocking.
I'm reminded of a poem my high school senior lit class read on our last day of class - I cannot recall the name of it but it started with, "This is the first day of the rest of your life..."
I'm an adaptable person and I'm excited for the good change on the horizon.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
New Logo
So I hired a gal to design me a logo for Piccadilly. I am beyond excited for this. It feels very official. Once I have the logo, I can drop it onto a business card, create some stationary, and even my favorite - a stamp!
I'm getting more clear about the direction of the company as well as the feel of the brand. It's overwhelming to see my ideas morph - a lot. When I started, it was all about marketing consulting for artists and arts organizations. Then it sort of expanded to include small independent businesses. Then about 7 months ago a great circus company asked me to be their agent. Suddenly, I was knocked off my chair and all sorts of emotions flooded through me. Agent? Manager? What?
See the thing is - I was an artists' rep for a little bit. It was a wonderful experience. The best place I ever worked. EVER. I still miss being there. It's just - I was young. I had no personal boundaries. I was gullible. I did stupid things. Said stupid things. I was 110% capable of being much more than I was there. It wasn't that I couldn't handle the work. I just wasn't mature enough to handle some other things. It took me a long time to really understand that about myself. Old feelings die hard though and I was agonizing over whether I'd make a good manager and agent for this circus company.
After weeks of pushing it out of my head I finally realized it wasn't leaving...moreover, I didn't really want it to leave. Furthermore, I had to get over myself. CONFIDENCE! I was beyond passionate about this company. I watched their showcase and thought - how do they not have representation? The AD asking me was a huge compliment. I needed to figure out how to move forward with this whole notion.
Enter Operation Business Plan. How many business plans have I created now? Something like 3. I'm a pro at market research and putting stuff on paper. Start Up Nation kicked my butt into gear mid summer and I created my Life Plan. Since then I've been piece mealing the plan together - market research when I can, interviews with folks when I can, swiping ideas from other industry pros and workshops, analyzing competitors. It all resides in Google Docs. It's coming along.
The biggest decision was to focus. Focus on family programming initially. However, family programming has a bad rep and the truth is, most family programming IS terrible. But there are places out there like the New Vic Theater that do amazing programming. It redefines children and family programming.
THAT is the envelope I want to push. It goes against the whole need for curriculum tie-in (or at the very least, I'd work with just 1-2 artists with a curriculum and more along the lines of a rep theater company). What I envision is a roster of 4-5 artists in cirque, contemporary dance, contemporary classical compositions, rep or ensemble theater company, storytelling, and interesting puppetry.
So this is where I am. And trying to visualize a logo that matches all that, the rest of my brand vision and values, and my personality is tough. But I'm hoping, one step at a time. Whatever it ends up being, it's going to be fun. Stay tuned.
I'm getting more clear about the direction of the company as well as the feel of the brand. It's overwhelming to see my ideas morph - a lot. When I started, it was all about marketing consulting for artists and arts organizations. Then it sort of expanded to include small independent businesses. Then about 7 months ago a great circus company asked me to be their agent. Suddenly, I was knocked off my chair and all sorts of emotions flooded through me. Agent? Manager? What?
See the thing is - I was an artists' rep for a little bit. It was a wonderful experience. The best place I ever worked. EVER. I still miss being there. It's just - I was young. I had no personal boundaries. I was gullible. I did stupid things. Said stupid things. I was 110% capable of being much more than I was there. It wasn't that I couldn't handle the work. I just wasn't mature enough to handle some other things. It took me a long time to really understand that about myself. Old feelings die hard though and I was agonizing over whether I'd make a good manager and agent for this circus company.
After weeks of pushing it out of my head I finally realized it wasn't leaving...moreover, I didn't really want it to leave. Furthermore, I had to get over myself. CONFIDENCE! I was beyond passionate about this company. I watched their showcase and thought - how do they not have representation? The AD asking me was a huge compliment. I needed to figure out how to move forward with this whole notion.
Enter Operation Business Plan. How many business plans have I created now? Something like 3. I'm a pro at market research and putting stuff on paper. Start Up Nation kicked my butt into gear mid summer and I created my Life Plan. Since then I've been piece mealing the plan together - market research when I can, interviews with folks when I can, swiping ideas from other industry pros and workshops, analyzing competitors. It all resides in Google Docs. It's coming along.
The biggest decision was to focus. Focus on family programming initially. However, family programming has a bad rep and the truth is, most family programming IS terrible. But there are places out there like the New Vic Theater that do amazing programming. It redefines children and family programming.
THAT is the envelope I want to push. It goes against the whole need for curriculum tie-in (or at the very least, I'd work with just 1-2 artists with a curriculum and more along the lines of a rep theater company). What I envision is a roster of 4-5 artists in cirque, contemporary dance, contemporary classical compositions, rep or ensemble theater company, storytelling, and interesting puppetry.
So this is where I am. And trying to visualize a logo that matches all that, the rest of my brand vision and values, and my personality is tough. But I'm hoping, one step at a time. Whatever it ends up being, it's going to be fun. Stay tuned.
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