For the last month or so I've spent the greater part of my evenings in something of a funk. My psyche is probably in that funk during the day while at work but not externally showing its disgust until I leave, walk to my car, drive home, and unwind.
Some descriptive adjectives for my mind lately include bored, unstimulated, needy, emotional, ambivalent.
I've looked around for people, things, projects that motivate, inspire and create some excitement...but if/when I find them, they come and go...or like me, are a bit up and down right now and not reliable. I'm emotionally needy and craving attention and affection but finding myself having to back off certain reactions because they are based solely on this bad state of mind. I've attempted to instill some structure in an otherwise unstructured environment, but it keeps coming undone.
In my moments of despair, I may fall apart for a bit, but my mentality isn't one of a martar. I won't die for the company, won't go down with the sinking ship. Even when I was a victim of bad circumstances, I didn't broadcast it and didn't let it be the reason for not moving forward. I look around myself now and see complacency, see victim mentality. I'm completely uncomfortable in it and impatient toward it. I swing between not caring and being angry.
Around me are little signs of a more creative and inspired Chrissie - my scrapbook, by little toy Double Decker bus, some information from merc, uk with articles all about the London mods of the 60s, some performing arts programs publicizing the 06/07 season...it's all had me raising an eyebrow, but I can't do much more. Not yet. I'm still stuck.