Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Reflections on Doylestown...

So truth is - I was miss the town in a big way. It's so cheesy sounding, but I do. I figured a pair of jeans on layaway and a burning need for Coffee and Cream French Cream was reason enough to go. Plus Betty and Ed irked me over not returning a phone call?! So I split town (at least the county). Sat back and enjoyed the ride up and the ride home. Enjoyed walking down State St. It was coming on dusk and the town was near empty (unlike lunch time), evening lights turning on, sun setting looking West and the unseasonably warm air made it feel like a cool spring night.

When I interviewed with Marc many moons ago, I recall parking my car and taking it all in and thinking - this town is so cute. I can totally work here. It feels like home. After that long interview that hot July day, I strolled the streets, poked my head into a store or two and just relished in the excitement - of a great sounding job, an adorable town, nice people...HOME. What a great word, a great feeling. It's like Crowded House singing "Something so stong could carry us away..." That feeling can carry you away.

In two years time I called it home. 40 miles from home, it was still home. I became a townie. I miss being a townie.

I go through these funks every so often when I really miss being in town and at BAM. I know the whole January conference season triggered this funk...knowing I might have been at APAP or IPAY kicking ass had he just given me a chance. Then like dominos, I remember all those interviews with the candidates last spring, making conference reservations for everyone except me, how horrible it felt knowing I used to go and now I was being replaced. Being everything to being nothing. The humilation, the alienation...

A lot of people have been telling me lately what a great sales person I am. It's nice to hear...It took a while to regroup and find my sense of confidence again since I struggled for many months wondering what I was doing or not doing to not be offered this job. I busted my butt all last spring, saving dates, adding dates, creating some small tours. Won't this impress you? I'd force myself to crawl out of the sad little hole to which I'd retreat and make some pathetic effort to communicate with him, be it work or coffee. Nothing.

Now suddenly, folks are noticing some skills. Nothing over the top, but nice comments especially considering I was hired to be the Marcomm person. But it causes old feelings to resurect...All these people can't be wrong...Why couldn't he see that? WHY DIDN'T HE WANT TO BELIEVE IN ME? Don't let the bastard get you down, dude. But then what do I want? To prove him wrong? To show him? I did show him. A million times over.

I want everything and nothing. To have him miss me, miss my spirit in the office, miss that I did so much for him, miss that I was good at what I did, that I could have been great, he could have had a great sales team, to prove my abilities over and over again, to hear him say he messed up royally by not communicating with me, by humiliating and alienating me, by not spending the time with me, to mentor me, to promote me. To come groveling? Maybe. Would I take it back? I just don't know. The hurt still lingers...

I feel like such a DORK admitting this all...but sometimes I just get really sad. Nobody knows how badly I wanted things to work out, to be different. He said he just didn't know how to turn the boat around. So he knew. Even when he denied it to Jessica that there was something the matter between us. Did he actually want to turn it around? When he asked me, "Is this what you really want?" when I gave him my notice and I lied and said yes...what good would the truth have done then? It hadn't worked all along...

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Imposition

Thank god for my dear friend Kristen - she talked me off the ledge, set me straight about how to handle the latest situation in my life.

Men. And their complete lack of sensitivity. Vince's friend Mike is always here. He snuck up on me this past Saturday morning as I decended the stairs in my tee shirt, ready to put on a pot of coffee. There he was - passed out on our hideous brown sofa. I turned around and proceeded to don a pair of yoga pants before I went downstairs again.

Later that day, Vince called me from the Acme. He was picking up the food for our New Year's party. Mike (aka Dilbert) weaseled his way into our New Year's party with another couple we'd invited over - my good friend Melissa from SJU and her husband. Two friends we hadn't seen since the summer since they live in WI. Suddenly Mike was dining with us. What the F? I was bitching as I heard Vince go through the checkout. Suddenly the line went dead. Uh huh.

Now I've ranted and raved for 2 days to anyone who would listen about how Mike is always here, he imposes, overstays his welcome, and basically NEEDS TO GO. I had all sorts of super sly tricks up my sleeve to drive him away (since previous discussions with Vince yielded nothing). I even pondered, seriously, if Mike was gay and secretly in love with my fiance??

Thankfully Kristen pointed out a similar situation she'd encountered with her now fiance. My sly menouvers, while funny, would probably backfire. The route of all this is Vince, enabling his friend to not have a life and depend on him way too much. Or vice versa. Best to smack Vince.

Which is what I just did. I was pretty calm. We realized Vince does enable Mike to hang here way too often and part of it is him being a computer geek and needing/wanting his other computer geek friends to be around. Part of it is Mike enabling Vince to sit around all Saturday and play stupid games. So now we have this deal - I am going to tell Vince when Mike needs to skate, no beating around the bush. Vince is going to try to be more sensative to the whole hanging out all the time issue with his friend. We'll both try to do more together things (sans Mike).

You know? This is great and all, but this blog would have rocked had it been my original rant. It was actually way more me. Chalk one up to communication.