So truth is - I was miss the town in a big way. It's so cheesy sounding, but I do. I figured a pair of jeans on layaway and a burning need for Coffee and Cream French Cream was reason enough to go. Plus Betty and Ed irked me over not returning a phone call?! So I split town (at least the county). Sat back and enjoyed the ride up and the ride home. Enjoyed walking down State St. It was coming on dusk and the town was near empty (unlike lunch time), evening lights turning on, sun setting looking West and the unseasonably warm air made it feel like a cool spring night.
When I interviewed with Marc many moons ago, I recall parking my car and taking it all in and thinking - this town is so cute. I can totally work here. It feels like home. After that long interview that hot July day, I strolled the streets, poked my head into a store or two and just relished in the excitement - of a great sounding job, an adorable town, nice people...HOME. What a great word, a great feeling. It's like Crowded House singing "Something so stong could carry us away..." That feeling can carry you away.
In two years time I called it home. 40 miles from home, it was still home. I became a townie. I miss being a townie.
I go through these funks every so often when I really miss being in town and at BAM. I know the whole January conference season triggered this funk...knowing I might have been at APAP or IPAY kicking ass had he just given me a chance. Then like dominos, I remember all those interviews with the candidates last spring, making conference reservations for everyone except me, how horrible it felt knowing I used to go and now I was being replaced. Being everything to being nothing. The humilation, the alienation...
A lot of people have been telling me lately what a great sales person I am. It's nice to hear...It took a while to regroup and find my sense of confidence again since I struggled for many months wondering what I was doing or not doing to not be offered this job. I busted my butt all last spring, saving dates, adding dates, creating some small tours. Won't this impress you? I'd force myself to crawl out of the sad little hole to which I'd retreat and make some pathetic effort to communicate with him, be it work or coffee. Nothing.
Now suddenly, folks are noticing some skills. Nothing over the top, but nice comments especially considering I was hired to be the Marcomm person. But it causes old feelings to resurect...All these people can't be wrong...Why couldn't he see that? WHY DIDN'T HE WANT TO BELIEVE IN ME? Don't let the bastard get you down, dude. But then what do I want? To prove him wrong? To show him? I did show him. A million times over.
I want everything and nothing. To have him miss me, miss my spirit in the office, miss that I did so much for him, miss that I was good at what I did, that I could have been great, he could have had a great sales team, to prove my abilities over and over again, to hear him say he messed up royally by not communicating with me, by humiliating and alienating me, by not spending the time with me, to mentor me, to promote me. To come groveling? Maybe. Would I take it back? I just don't know. The hurt still lingers...
I feel like such a DORK admitting this all...but sometimes I just get really sad. Nobody knows how badly I wanted things to work out, to be different. He said he just didn't know how to turn the boat around. So he knew. Even when he denied it to Jessica that there was something the matter between us. Did he actually want to turn it around? When he asked me, "Is this what you really want?" when I gave him my notice and I lied and said yes...what good would the truth have done then? It hadn't worked all along...
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