Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Guys & Dolls

So last night, I almost put a bullet through my head to end the misery I experienced watching only part of RENT, the musical. Some of this was my own doing...I haven't enjoyed musicals in about 10-12 years. Once upon a time, like when I was 14 and 15, I did. I took in Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Godspell, Fiddler on the Roof and a host of others. I remember liking them. But somewhere along the line, something happened...Was it in high school when I realized I couldn't enjoy them (being in them and/or watching) because there were too many people who wanted to be the next Broadway stars and made it entirely about them so it was no longer fun? Was it the complete cheesiness that came with hamming it up on stage as they sung? Everything always being completely exaggerated? It may have something to do with the drama queen ness of it all.

I remember hearing hype about RENT a while ago...years ago. But doing the whole Broadway thing was never my style. Dropping bucks to see a musical? It always seemed so NYC posh. Or so lame. But I thought I'd give it a whirl again, hence the reason I borrowed my coworker's RENT DVD. Now, I have no clue about the storyline. Whatever I expected, it wasn't it. Rock opera? Ick. Singing the entire time? Annoying. And nothing is more over the top ridiculous to me than that "master singer" sound. My Archmere peeps know what I mean. Everything so perfectly harmonious...tenors and sopranos carrying on. Which isn't always bad...it becomes DRIVE ME INSANE bad when its musical/opera story like. And I didn't even like the story. And I was angry at myself because WHY AREN'T THESE APPEALING & FUN FOR ME?!

The whole world raved about RENT...about Lion King...about Wicked. I mean, RENT reminded me never ever to think about seeing these musicals live or on DVD - ever again. In the mist of my confusion, anger and sorrow, I took more grief from my co-worker: "If that's all I got out of it, that's a real shame" since I could not appreciate it for its music and theme. Furthermore I "wasn't very open minded about the arts." Yes, it's a shame, but the open minded comment was BS. Completely. I see more art than this guy...in fact, I think it says a lot that I wanted to try the musical experience again. I can't help it if I hate it. And tough themes...I just prefer drugs and AIDs and East Village grit to be...real. And how are musicals real?

I don't know...I needed some reassurance though. I was very perplexed at my passionate anger toward the Musical so I want to my trusted source:

From me to the Source:
Is it just me or they [musicals] all pretty much SUCK? I tried watching RENT last night (and the Producers some time ago) and both times almost wanted to take a bullet to my head. My co-worker insists that I am not "open minded" to the arts and it's a real shame I hate musicals so much. I say the majority are pretty much lame and created for the people who want to think they know the arts and drop $50-300 on tickets to see the Broadway hype. I need some reassurance. I think it's OK to be a snob in this area?!
:) Chrissie

Source to me:
Guys and Dolls is the ONLY musical.

Me to Source:
LOL. Sit down, you're rockin the boat. How could I forget!? Thanks for the reassurance.

Source's final words:


Sigh of relief. I am OK. There are others out there like me and we will exist on our higher plane forever perplexed over the appeal of the Musical. Thank you Source for restoring my faith in classy people. Now I just need to restore my faith in the East Village.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

The Meltdown & The Glimmer of Hope

So I am at that critical point in one's job where "burnt out" is long gone as are "fed up/disgusted/need to quit" and "I don't care anymore." I've past them all in the race to leave and now I crossed the finish line...which happened to be at the edge of a cliff!
If not once a week, about twice a week, I break down and cry and scream at God because I am still here. He's probably glad I am speaking (or shouting rather)...at least I'm getting it out. I also succumbed to no longer actively seek out jobs but rather see what presents itself to me.

Maybe God heard me...maybe that's why this little horoscope crept in late Thursday. Maybe everything is going to be OK very soon?

From 10/26 Village Voice:

These are significant times, even if your personal life is not going through a transformation. Pieces of puzzles that have been off the table manage to show up in time to clarify the current picture. People you've lost track of make their presence felt in unusual ways. A fond hope you held years ago and abandoned along the way is suddenly a possibility again. Rearranging your memories and your priorities is a harbinger of what may happen in the next few weeks as Mercury prepares your Jupiter ruler for its upcoming transit through Sagittarius.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The 10 Year Reunion

What a difference 10 years makes. Beth and I fumbled our way through what looked like a war torn campus and parked in a patch of grass to attend our 10 year high school reunion this past weekend. Not sure quite what to expect, we dropped our duds (and our $50 bucks) and made a beeline for the bar (I had to get my money's worth AND mingling is a bit easier with a glass of shiraz anyway). I came out for the 5 year and it was OK...there was more of a turn out, but frankly, the kids were still cliquey. More fun had afterwards at Dolan's bar.

It would seem as though another 5 years mellowed us all. Girls I was friendly to, but not necessarily friends with were wonderful and sweet. People came from far off places like Colorado and Alaska. We talked of marriages, engagements, our jobs...good stuff and no drama :)

I'd say the best part about the event was seeing my friend Brian again. For no other reason, the reunion rocked because I saw him after 7 years. You know when you just realize you and your dear friend are slowly growing apart? I saw it happening...I knew it was happening for some months and I even knew I had to let it. It was treading some rocky waters and heading for a bad place. So I let it go before it went there. But I always felt guilty. I really valued our friendship and I really appreciated the chance to catch up.

So here are some shots from Dolan's Bar. In another few weeks, the official professional Class of 96 shot will be online so I will certainly add it for your viewing pleasure. You can see the one of everyone from 2001 here.

Me & Becky - Who knew? Her dad and my dad in the same line of business!?

Four hours, three glasses of Shiraz and a Guiness later...Shirley Temples are the way to go :)

Me, Litza & Brian

Nice group shot. Me, Litza, Brian, Beth & Becky
Even with 4 inch snazzy purple heels making me 5'7",
I am still the shortest peep here...

Monday, October 09, 2006

Brown Eyed Girl

For those of you out there with horrific vision like mine, the eye doctor is always the most humbling experience. I typically go every 2 years as I should, however, not having vision insurance in '04 prevented me from doing my duty. So, it's been 4 years since I had an exam, 4 years since I had my glasses fitted with new lenses, 4 years with the same contact lens prescription.

A few months ago, I caught myself squinting to see something and I knew it was time to get it together and go. I hate that I sit in that chair and hold that little patch over one eye, then the next. I mean, why can't I just skip to the end? "No, I cannot see or read the last line!" Wah. As a kid in Catholic school, I always had these tests in the nurse's office and I always failed. Usually in front of several others. I would purposely procrastinate going. Or if I knew ahead of time, I would pretend sick. Anything to not be humiliated the way Catholic schools have a way of doing to children.

As I suspected, my vision had changed just a hair. Which isn't too bad considering it had been 4 years. The Dr. explained all the math and logic behind the vision and the bottom line is: without corrective lenses, I can see/read something clearly only if it's 3 inches in front of my face. Fantastic, huh?

So now I have a new pair of contacts and I scoped out some new frames. My existing ones are fine, but I always feel compelled to use my $100 free insurance money toward the frames since they run more than contacts. It's a toss up between a Revlon pair in "midnight ruby" and another pair by Beneton (who knew?) in "cranberry blue" which essentially is a deep violet. So we shall see...maybe in 2 weeks I'll have some new glasses. I'll have to post a photo.

Next up: the icky dentist. I loathe the dentist. Again though, with no dental until recently, no visit. Not that I'm bitchin about that one...but it's time. I have to suck it up. Thankfully, I've been pretty lucky there. I sure hope it continues.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Sinking Ship

This photo pretty much captures my thoughts perfectly...Notice all the people going down with the shop...oops, Freudian slip, I mean, the ship...are men. Aware (or maybe unaware? In denial?) that it's happening and just going down, accepting it, business and fun as usual. The only smart one - the cute girl - is standing at the top like What the F? About to peace them all out.

There is this whole other breed of people in the world...a breed to which I will likely never belong. They are the heros, the saviors, the martyrs, the ones who go down with the ship...
While the rest of us watch...or don't watch because we are long gone.

It got me thinking - Why aren't I like that? Why won't I hold on, hold out, go 20 extra miles, bail out people, places, situations, put the sinking ship above everything else in my life, be the hero, the savior or the martyr that goes down with it?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Waiting for the World...

To do a million things...mostly just change. There are all these things that I know are going on, some in my face, some behind the scenes. I'm just anticipating their arrival...their mark on the world.

At some point my brother will eventually sit down and tell my parents he is gay. At some point he will introduce his boyfriend to them. The 'rents already know though...I mean, they weren't born yesterday and while none of us ever really wondered it, after the events of Labor Day weekend, we all sat up and took notice of words exchanged, behaviors, etc. Let things roll around in our heads.

At some point I will eventually leave this job and begin another journey forward. I will come undone from the quick sand in which I feel trapped each day.

At some point, likely when I have left this job and taken another, I will see for certain if a certain friendship is a real deal. It won't be based on or around work and all its negative vibes...it won't be about being each other's daily distractions...it won't be about competition or who is more valuable...it won't be about who will leave first...and it won't need to blur lines between personal and professional because at this point in the future, it won't exist at work - that unhealthy place that wears us down emotionally, mentally and professionally.

At some point my sense of positive energy, delight, optimism and idealism will return. Gone will be the "What's the use?" attitude that's all consuming now. I'll embrace the idea of starting an small consultancy or determine how to function as a manager to performing artists.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll look with glee again at our house and want to tackle the second bedroom, paint it, install some new carpet, give it a new look. Maybe.

It's also quite possible before the next year starts Vince and I will feel financially responsible again...it's possible I'll make $10-15K more than what I am making now and OMG, I might be able to really make student loan payments worth itemizing.

What if I could stop worrying about affording kids in a few years? And the luxury of finding a place that supports working mothers with true benefits like flex time and telecommuting options? That might be priceless.

Yes, waiting for the world to change.