To do a million things...mostly just change. There are all these things that I know are going on, some in my face, some behind the scenes. I'm just anticipating their arrival...their mark on the world.
At some point my brother will eventually sit down and tell my parents he is gay. At some point he will introduce his boyfriend to them. The 'rents already know though...I mean, they weren't born yesterday and while none of us ever really wondered it, after the events of Labor Day weekend, we all sat up and took notice of words exchanged, behaviors, etc. Let things roll around in our heads.
At some point I will eventually leave this job and begin another journey forward. I will come undone from the quick sand in which I feel trapped each day.
At some point, likely when I have left this job and taken another, I will see for certain if a certain friendship is a real deal. It won't be based on or around work and all its negative vibes...it won't be about being each other's daily distractions...it won't be about competition or who is more valuable...it won't be about who will leave first...and it won't need to blur lines between personal and professional because at this point in the future, it won't exist at work - that unhealthy place that wears us down emotionally, mentally and professionally.
At some point my sense of positive energy, delight, optimism and idealism will return. Gone will be the "What's the use?" attitude that's all consuming now. I'll embrace the idea of starting an small consultancy or determine how to function as a manager to performing artists.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll look with glee again at our house and want to tackle the second bedroom, paint it, install some new carpet, give it a new look. Maybe.
It's also quite possible before the next year starts Vince and I will feel financially responsible again...it's possible I'll make $10-15K more than what I am making now and OMG, I might be able to really make student loan payments worth itemizing.
What if I could stop worrying about affording kids in a few years? And the luxury of finding a place that supports working mothers with true benefits like flex time and telecommuting options? That might be priceless.
Yes, waiting for the world to change.