Refuge

Despite my valiant efforts, leaving my house at 7:30 AM this morning, for reasons unknown to me, I simply wasn’t destined to be in Doylestown like I had hoped. For 35 minutes I crawled north on 252 in the hopes of navigating back roads to the interchange at Lancaster Avenue. By 8:00 AM I had squeezed my car’s back bumper over the “box” at 252 and Baltimore Pike and could feel the tears from 18 months ago swell up as I saw a steady stream of tail lights before me. I pulled off, called BAM, and turned around. I never did that. Pulled over, broke down and cried, yes, but forged ahead always.

It was like a rush of blood to the head, the way the memories of driving north to Bucks hit me that moment. I can handle just about anything, any traffic situation but after months of constant construction, constant delays, and constant frustration (and not just with the traffic but with everything in my life then), the traffic was this familiar metaphor – never moving. I completely lost it. I know why I spent 4 months crying daily. It is clear to me now how badly I needed a break and how the gallery job was simply that – a break, a transition.

All I wanted to do today was enjoy my catch up meeting with an old boss and old co-workers. I wanted it to go smoothly. Maybe the good thing is that unlike before…even unlike a few months ago when the metaphor reappeared at American Pie, this time I just stopped. I just said no. Some things aren’t worth me even backing up and finding another way, fighting. I would take refuge at the nearest Starbucks and wait it out…even if it’s tomorrow or next week.

I read my horoscope now. It offers some reassurance:

For the foreseeable future, Sagittarius, take your inspiration from Franz Kafka, who gave the following advice in his book The Great Wall of China: "You need not do anything. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, just wait. You need not even wait, just learn to be quiet, still, and solitary. And the world will freely offer itself to you unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."