Thursday, May 04, 2006

Standing On the Shoulders of Giants

That is where I am right now. I've been here for some time. It's similar to being on the ledge of a cliff, except there you are truly freaking out and ready to jump. Here I am very high up, on top of the world (literally and figuratively) with this amazing panorama view. I've seen a lot of memories pass before me and a lot of the current chaos play out before me from this place.

It's not terribly scary, but it just makes me very aware. I'm not jumping on Saturday...I've been preparing for this day for eons now! But it does mark the beginning of a new phase of my life. I suppose I've been shedding little parts of me for a little while now and the older I get, the less attached I am to those little parts and what they represented. Listening to some old tunes now (and when I compiled the DJ list) I am reminded of where I was and how far I've come.

Everyone asks me how I am feeling. I am not worried about Saturday (except maybe the weather). I'm not worried about saying "I Do" and that it's forever. What I think about isn't Saturday or next week or even next year. I think about 15 years from now because I have absolutely no idea who I'll be, who Vince will be, who we'll be together, how we'll be with kids and other responsibilities factored into the equation. That complete unknown. That is what is more frightening.

One thing that hit me yesterday was my soon to be new last name. There's a lot in a name and I've always been called Banana or Chiquita Banana or some term of endearment. It saddens me to let that go. I'd keep both, but two Italian last names are a mouthful. I thought what I might do is use some wedding money to customize a Sticks box and have it immortalized.

And from up here, closing in on the day, the reality that Mrs. D isn't here sinks in. I've channeled so much energy into getting things accomplished and here and there I'd crack, cry, and then feel as though from Beyond she let a wave of calm wash over us. Last week at Toppers Elisa used her GC for my manicure and said it was from mom and how it was her gift from beyond. It was this unexpected "presence" of her that day. But in the whirlwind that Saturday is sure to bring, how will I see her presence then?

Two weeks ago in my Village Voice horoscope it read the following:
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): In contemplating your astrological omens, I'm reminded of Terence McKenna's comment about a friend who "hurled herself into the abyss and discovered that it was a feather bed." If you can summon the courage to dive into the scary depths, Sagittarius, I do believe you'll be pleasantly surprised at the comfy, luxurious digs that await you at the end of your descent. Now go ahead and yell, "Geronimo!" which the dictionary defines as an exclamation used to express exhilaration when leaping from a great height.

Fitting considering my metaphor?

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