Me & My Shadow

A fabulous Frank Sinatra song. It made the cocktail hour cut. Maybe because it illustrates my life right now. I'm the oldest child, so by nature I'm used to being first, being the guiney pig, being the one in the spotlight (sometimes good, sometimes not), setting the example, needing approval...all those wonderful things that make us first borns Type A and over-achievers. For all the built in stress that comes from that place, it's still familiar territory and where I tend to feel most comfortable. Which makes it extremely difficult for me to be in anyone's shadow.

I remember in Third Grade, this new girl joined our class. We'd have these little contests to see which aisle was the cleanest at the end of each day. Naturally, the new girl's row would win daily. This went on for some time. Little gold stars would adorn their pumpkins, turkeys, holiday trees or whatever symbol for that month. 9 years old I was busting my ass to sweep my floor and clean my desk and my row never got a star. When my parents announced to the teacher we were moving and my last day would be in early December, only then did my row win and get a star.

That's a funny example of someone just playing favorites. That's more annoying than anything else. What's worse is having to work with someone who is always outshining you...to the point where you almost wish that person wasn't there just so you could have a chance. Because I'm a great people person and I can make sales when I have a chance. It's also that there aren't enough people to go around so the ones that do come in my co-worker either already knows/is working with or he swallows them up. Nothing left for the rest of us.

Like the ball hog in basketball.

The nice thing about track was even though there might be one girl or guy who was the fastest on the entire team, he or she wasn't in every race. That person had his/her own area and own race. You knew they were great and valuable to the team as a whole, but essentially, it was about you and your personal best.

It depresses me. My mentality needs more. It needs the chances, the ownership, the sense of acomplishment, the moment to shine, even if it's like the track star that shines in her one area. Marketing is a behind the scenes job and maybe once in a while you see fruits of your labor in an article that's published. I just always enjoyed it because it's a way to express myself creatively. But networking and selling fuels the extrovert in me. It makes me happy. And right now, I'm just not. There's just a big black shadow in front of me all the time.