I could feel my self confidence eroding a tad. I was relatively unmotivated to do much the last 2-3 weeks. eBay was becoming more appealing with each passing day. Even creative endeavors like arranging wedding proofs in a new album were seeming bleak. Then over the weekend a good friend flat out called me on this unChrissie behavior. It's part of starting a new business and you knew things would take time she reminded me. Yes, I admitted. However, she kicked me in the butt and told me not to lose myself, as this uncertain wavering in confidence persona was simply not me.
It was true. Situations where I would normally not think twice about doing or saying whatever - suddenly I was hiding. Not wanting to feel like a burden, a needy child, not wanting to disappoint. There are specific people I want as mentors and coaches, who's businesses and work I admire greatly. But I feel so small compared to them. Of course I let myself forget that they too have been in similar boats.
I was wandering in a desert for a few weeks, lots of nothing surrounding me, no direction, no plan, obviously dehydrated from any nutrients...Maybe I didn't want to look for the tools or maybe they just appeared - an oasis! Either way, between our conversation and a terrific book I just read - How To Make A Name For Yourself by Robin Fisher Roffer - I felt motivated this week to regroup and think about me and what makes me who I am. To return to a plan and brainstorming session and tap into stuff that excites me and motivates me.
I have a feeling this surge will help me in the long run. There may not be clients right now, but much relies on confidence. I have to get past these insecurities. I mean - It's just the ego getting in the way of making things happen, of making me don masks and be all incognito. Aside from some breakups, when have I ever been incognito?!