Monday, February 06, 2012

Falling Apart

I must be PMSed because I don't cry this much in one day.  Earlier I sobbed over my business financials and could barely muster the energy afterwards to make a few call backs - and good call backs nonetheless - the ones to people who are actually interested and wanting to talk to me about an artist. 

I just sobbed over a petition for a small dog that lost it's life overseas due to horrific abuse. My own dog has been driving me crazy this past week is getting a big hug now.

I put the boy to bed tonight and and like when he was an infant and I was a hormonal wreck, I pray for him, pray that he's always protected, safe, happy, and healthy...but I worry.  I'm a parent so I worry.  I worry - what if he's bullied?  What if he struggles in school?  In a sport?  What if he's gay?  What if he's unhappy?  What if he hates his parents someday and rebels and turns to drugs?  What if he's one of those kids that writes what they feel on pieces of paper and creates a video on YouTube?  Christ. 

Not all the above are scary per say but just worrisome because of the society in which we live and the pressures on kids (and even parents) today and the lack of control I have over others' behaviors.  I mean, I have little to no control over most of the above.  God has a plan.  The end.  I can only trust that me being his mother clearly meant I was part of that plan and I am equipped with his grace to handle things.  

His school is teaching his class all about safety and I spent time this morning talking with him about strangers and what to do and say.  I remembered the time at the kids museum when we walked out of the bathroom and he was engulfed by the crowd and I couldn't find him.  For a good 30 seconds I covered a 10 yard radius shouting his name and surveying the crowd with no avail.  Then I stopped and stayed in place for another 30 seconds and did the same thing, remembering that stay put rule...maybe he would see me first?  Then I called in reinforcements.  And within 1 minute the entire museum was on alert and a minute later a staff member found him.

And how I sobbed over him for a week after scared of what if...and how I couldn't sleep that week since we were slated to go to NYC and I was panicked of losing him (and still am - on the subway or wherever) and I carried his 30lb two and half year old self ALL over Manhattan that day out of fear.  My arm was in pain for days after but I was completely freaked out at the thought of him walking or even being in an umbrella stroller.  Even now, I take extra caution when I know we are headed to high traffic places.

Worry.  PMS and a full moon have escalated my worry over all situations right now. 

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